Having my own room is awesome. I'll give it another day or two to sink in. But I can close my door, do whatever I want, and not tell anyone. And then, I can come out and give Bren a hug or see my friends - when I'm ready to.

Holy crap yes.

Got bedding last night and had fun. :) Ran to Qdoba and the old place and listened to an old radio mystery which was awesome. We were born in the wrong era. I'd write Foley and do sound effects, and Bren would voice act, and it would be awesome.

Seattle things to do.

• pack (TONIGHT)
• plan the trip (TODAY)
• pay rent (TOMORROW)
• therapy (AFTERNOON)

ahh.

Labels: personal

We went (dad and I) to the Yankee game yesterday. It didn't take long to get there, though parking was waaay too expensive, so we wandered around the Harbor a little bit, then made our way to the stadium, found our seats. got some very yummy food, and met some Orioles fans. (They were Sunday season ticket holders. Did you know that the Orioles have only won 3 games on Sunday all year?) The Yankees won, but it was a very, very long game (4 hours O_O), sloppy. I felt tired and kinda blah through the game. It got exciting at the end, so things perked up a little, but yeah, long. :P I don't entirely know if I'd call it exciting, but I suppose it was fun overall.

But the ride BACK, you see, oh, it took us forever to get onto 95, then there was construction and rubbernecking on 95, then the ENTIRE STATE OF DELAWARE was backed up (not hard to do when your state is only 10 miles across or so), then random traffic on the Turnpike for NO REASON, and between that and stopping for food etc, the 150 mile trip took
six
hours

I slept over and left and got less than 6 hours of sleep AGAIN, and got to work on time but hooooly crap. I can't describe how tired I am.



Also, I'm not keeping my "Day" journal public anymore. All I do is rant to people about my anxiety, and I'm more than anxiety. I have a private blog now, just for me, my own little secret place. If something really big is going on, believe me, I'll post it.

Labels: personal

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/24/arts/television/24stan.html

Seriously. This is what pisses me off. Like, I'm a really gullible person, profoundly affected by what I see on TV due to rather low self-esteem and the whatnot. This article really hits it home. And it's not just about "watch the obese become real people!!" shows. Ugh. It's shows where impossibly thin and happy people live impossible lives. I look at myself in the mirror and think that I'm fat more often than not. I'm not even overweight. And I judge people so harshly. Seriously. Sometimes the media sucks. Maybe that's why I like sports, the people are supposed to look the way they look.

More talking to people, talking all day to Aud, and after to Bren when I got home. Talking about fear and big things, and small things like weight. Everyone tells me that I'm normal, that my fears and thoughts are what everyone has, and its my perception of them that is the abnormal or unhealthy. Still, I have trouble believing that. Of course, writing down will sound ridiculous. Shouldn't I be attracted to my boyfriend all the time? Shouldn't I always love my job? Shouldn't I always generally be in a good mood, loving, excited about what I do? Isn't that how people are?

No?

Maybe that's what these things do. They warp those normal thoughts into things that are negative. I feel guilty for thinking those things. I feel guilty for notcing another guy, for only writing music for a half hour, for playing WoW for hours at a time. I feel like I'm weird, like I'm a bad person for it.

I'm not?

It's easy to rationalize these things away. If you have had a rough day and your boyfriend, a big guy in the first place, has as well, and you aren't particularly trying to look nice, then yeah, you might not feel so attracted or attractive. But sometimes you do. Just like every other couple! Sometimes, you get nervous. Sometimes, you get lazy. Sometimes, doing what you want to do means playing a video game instead of curing cancer. Right? I mean, it seems normal in theory.

I'm going to learn responsibility. I give up way too easily. Aud and I are going to start writing a blog together, political type thing, and we'll have to post and research and do work on it, and we'll both learn to keep deadlines and maintain something. I give up on things quickly most of the time. I'm still amazed that I've kept up a relationship for almost six years. That I stayed in college for 4. And that I have/had choices not to.

Sometimes I don't think I have choices. I thought I was supposed to go to college, but I thought about not going. In the end, I did in fact choose to go, for whatever reason. I didn't need to even go out with Bren, but I chose to. I chose to stay with him. I chose to move back with him too. I did these things because they seemed right. And because of that, it seems like I didn't make a choice at all, it was what I was "supposed" to do. But maybe I wasn't. Maybe I just did it because it's what I wanted to do. Maybe my other options seemed unimaginable because well, they were. Or did I live my life in shame and fear? Did I do these things because I feared the consequences of not doing them? Why do I act?

I'm going to work today. I'm going because I have very little vacation/sick time left. I fear losing my job, I need the money of course. I enjoy the routine of going, even if I'm bored at work sometimes. I like walking to work, I like web design (when I'm actually doing some) and I love my boss. I also feel that its right to go to work. It's what a good person does. They don't just skip out for no reason. Though I do, in fact, feel like chilling at home and playing WoW all day.

Are those good reasons?

Sometimes I feel like taking off because I'm nervous. But I don't. I wonder why.

Labels: each day

Well, I had some mood swings yesterday. I was doubty, sad, and finally just angry and pissed off. Everything was getting to me. Still is a bit, though it's better now. I actually wrote a list of the things that were pissing me off about people, and it was fairly long and intense. As the negative feelings subsided a bit, I saw that what I wrote wasn't entirely accurate - I do feel those things, but not as drastically as I wrote down. What I really need to do is tell people when I'm mad at them, without being an asshole.

What helped was that yesterday was Failure Day. As in, the apartment was messing with us! We kept dropping things, the HDMI port on the TV failed, apparently, we even got a red ring on the 360 (luckily it was just overheating, it's fine now), among a host of other random problems (including the clusterfuck of trying to get Ivy's bed from the city. What a pain in the ass it's been). Dropping the switchbox from the top of Bren's TV. So Bren and I cracked up, and dubbed yesterday Failure Day, and it was appreciated. My pissiness didn't go away, but it was better.

I also noticed that I felt incredibly defensive of Bren yesterday. If the guys (the lair was over) laughed at him, I felt more on edge and wanted to yell at them, He's trying his hardest damnit! Etc etc. Even if I feel pissed at Bren for whatever reason, I want to defend him against anyone putting him down. I am here for a reason.

I just need a good walk this morning.

Anxieties
It's a new apartment. We haven't lived together in months. I haven't had to deal with anyone on a regular basis in quite a while. So I'm getting annoyed, which is getting me anxious. ...
but damn if he isn't cute. (I'm on his compy right now and he's asleep. He must be in REM sleep, his eyes are moving a little.)

To do list

• walk to work today (finally)
• groceries (again, finally)
• figure out this bed thing
• do something fun and creative and get the hell out of this rut
  

Labels: each day