Day 54

The hoot on Friday was really fun. I grabbed Aud, who was tired, and we both got really hyper. We didn't actually start with the lineup until 9, but there was plenty of Mario 3 to keep us company until then. We played Kart, with lag, damnit Nintendo, and then a game of Party 8. Aud fell asleep on the couch upstairs as we started Smash. I was worried about Bren, he was a little late and wasn't picking up his phone, but he showed up and had big bright eyes and I was happy. :) Lots of Smash. I ended up in 5th, despite being on the big TV for most of the night. I ended up leaving with Aud, Wise and Chris around 2 am, probably a record for me. :) The next day I was exhausted, I gave Aud a ride to Swappy's place, got rid of my loveseat and chair (it went to a charity group), and relaxed for the rest of the day - lots of TV, knitting, WoW.

It was amazing how much dust can accumulate, lol. And I'm just amazed. I've been here for 2 years already (well, almost), and I'm leaving in less than a week. I've been in a good mood these three days (after Thursday's setback), but have been feeling some anxiety. I'm nervous about leaving this place. This is a big step. I walked to Wharton Farm and back and realized that it'd be the last time I did. I thought how I didn't take advantage of this place, its location, I didn't decorate enough, etc.

I think more than anything, I feel some guilt or shame about this year. When Chris asked "whose apartment", I said Bren and mine, though he hasn't lived here for...awhile. I feel just like, even anxious just thinking about it now. I know that it couldn't be helped. I know I was going through some horrible stuff, and that I'm stronger now, and all this. But I just feel really ashamed of myself. I feel like, "normal" people wouldn't have had to do this. I had some sort of dream about people telling me to poke Bren about getting married. I just feel ashamed that we aren't engaged yet, that we've lived apart for so long, that all of this happened. I feel like it's my fault, like it should have ruined us, and the fact that it hasn't confuses me. Not that I'm not grateful.

Labels: each day