Day 57

Doing better now. Was not yesterday. I felt very depressed by the end of the day. I'd been getting anxious about us and other things and by the end of the work day, I was wrapped in a blanket and feeling kind of numb. Wise called me on the way home, and I kinda snapped a little and said, I'm not doing well, come over if you want, see ya later. When I got home, I talked to Bren. I saw how sad he was that I wasn't doing well. I huddled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and just fiddled around online. I couldn't really concentrate on playing WoW. I looked up a list of family of depressed people tips and sent it to Bren.

Right before he came over I got myself up to eat some dinner, but I wasn't really feeling it. Then he came over. He got a 5 Guys burger, and lo and behold I tasted it, and it was really delicious. I was still in a blanket, but now I felt warm. His eyes were bright and warm and I felt so much love. I started feeling better. Bren started playing this hilarious Wii game, "Target Terror", live actors in an arcade shooter = win, it was funny, and I laughed. Wise came over and the two of them played. :) When I felt a little bored, I worked on my knitting. I fell asleep a little on Bren's back, and finally I went to bed, after they promised to stick around a little bit.

I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm still a bit down and worried, but it's ok. Something I'm learning is that it really takes 2 to love. If someone is warm towards you, you have to choose to feel warm back. You can feel threatened or turned off or anything really, and turn them down. Or you can open up your heart and feel warm back. So Bren didn't pull me out of it yesterday, not really. His love though helped lead the way. And it was up to me to receive it and return it in kind, and I did. I have these problems yes, but maybe remembering love will help me break through. It wasn't perfect last night, no, and I still worried. But god, was it better.

Anxieties
Just wanting to love Bren for the right reasons. That's why I want to remember last night. Cause he was just so gentle and kind, and I saw his compassion. Beyond any ideas of self, not because of self-doubt or loathing, not to make up for any personal failing, he cares, and I think it's beautiful. And he cares about me! So yes, I want to do this right. I can see a bit more that it's not just cause he loves me, but because I love his love. As ridiculous as that must sound.

To do list

• pack.
  
• knit.
• work on MorrisNet
• Baum's?
• maybe actually make dinner tonight? :P
  

Labels: each day