Day 58

Had a pretty good day yesterday, I think. It was odd, I was incredibly anxious, heart racing and all, but I wasn't upset, I wasn't depressed, and my mind wasn't exactly racing. I think my anxiety felt more FOCUSED - need to pack, hope this works out - and I felt cheery otherwise. I think I do my best when I don't have these huge life issues to grapple with in a philosophical way - I need big projects to tackle, and the pieces fall where they may. Worrying about the nature of life and love can't help anyone.

I was packing and got really frustrated, played some more WoW. Bren and I went to CostCo and found this amazing couch - we'll see if we can get someone to help us pick it up. (Who knows? We'll see.) A night of Smash was very fun. It was strange though, as I was enjoying myself with Bren I almost felt like I was observing myself. "Ah, I'm having fun. Look at us smile and hug." That sort of thing. It's a pretty bizarre feeling. I'm not sure what it means. I wasn't faking it - I really was feeling pretty happy and was enjoying myself. I just felt sort of...unreal.

I think that the things you fear are what you want the most. I fear that I can't do something, or that I'm wrong about something, so I tend to give up before it starts. Take packing. I started, and got overwhelmed, I can't finish this!, and just stopped. I've been doing that for a looong time. It's one of the reasons why I do work so quickly, and often enough in a half-assed way (schoolwork that is), is because I don't think I can do it perfectly, so just do it before you lose the nerve. My biggest fear, in my entire life, seems to be losing Bren, whether he leaves me (he won't), or I fall for someone else, or lose my feelings for him (haven't yet). Thinking of that makes my chest tighten.

And you know why? It's because those are the things I want. I want to finish packing, do perfect, beautiful work, and have a wonderful life with Bren. I need to let myself get into these things without so much fear. Or do it anyway. I need to work on music and be there, web design, move in to this apartment. I have to invest myself fully into the things that scare me. Otherwise I just won't be living this life. I won't feel fulfilled.

Labels: each day