Day 65

More talking to people, talking all day to Aud, and after to Bren when I got home. Talking about fear and big things, and small things like weight. Everyone tells me that I'm normal, that my fears and thoughts are what everyone has, and its my perception of them that is the abnormal or unhealthy. Still, I have trouble believing that. Of course, writing down will sound ridiculous. Shouldn't I be attracted to my boyfriend all the time? Shouldn't I always love my job? Shouldn't I always generally be in a good mood, loving, excited about what I do? Isn't that how people are?

No?

Maybe that's what these things do. They warp those normal thoughts into things that are negative. I feel guilty for thinking those things. I feel guilty for notcing another guy, for only writing music for a half hour, for playing WoW for hours at a time. I feel like I'm weird, like I'm a bad person for it.

I'm not?

It's easy to rationalize these things away. If you have had a rough day and your boyfriend, a big guy in the first place, has as well, and you aren't particularly trying to look nice, then yeah, you might not feel so attracted or attractive. But sometimes you do. Just like every other couple! Sometimes, you get nervous. Sometimes, you get lazy. Sometimes, doing what you want to do means playing a video game instead of curing cancer. Right? I mean, it seems normal in theory.

I'm going to learn responsibility. I give up way too easily. Aud and I are going to start writing a blog together, political type thing, and we'll have to post and research and do work on it, and we'll both learn to keep deadlines and maintain something. I give up on things quickly most of the time. I'm still amazed that I've kept up a relationship for almost six years. That I stayed in college for 4. And that I have/had choices not to.

Sometimes I don't think I have choices. I thought I was supposed to go to college, but I thought about not going. In the end, I did in fact choose to go, for whatever reason. I didn't need to even go out with Bren, but I chose to. I chose to stay with him. I chose to move back with him too. I did these things because they seemed right. And because of that, it seems like I didn't make a choice at all, it was what I was "supposed" to do. But maybe I wasn't. Maybe I just did it because it's what I wanted to do. Maybe my other options seemed unimaginable because well, they were. Or did I live my life in shame and fear? Did I do these things because I feared the consequences of not doing them? Why do I act?

I'm going to work today. I'm going because I have very little vacation/sick time left. I fear losing my job, I need the money of course. I enjoy the routine of going, even if I'm bored at work sometimes. I like walking to work, I like web design (when I'm actually doing some) and I love my boss. I also feel that its right to go to work. It's what a good person does. They don't just skip out for no reason. Though I do, in fact, feel like chilling at home and playing WoW all day.

Are those good reasons?

Sometimes I feel like taking off because I'm nervous. But I don't. I wonder why.

Labels: each day