I was in my darkest hour last night. I was in a rage, unable to suppress any emotion. I yelled, I cried, I could barely breathe. Im doubting us again, I said, and i couldn't take it anymore. Bren says suddenly, Then I'm breaking up with you. I'm not giving you that choice. Now there's nothing to doubt.

I immediately did stop doubting, but I was in shock. What? What did you say? I said with a whimper. You heard me, he said. I had no reaction but that until he turned around to go into the room. As he turned his back, I screamed, DON'T GO! DON'T EVER GO! He looked at me and I closed my eyes and screamed, I LOVE YOU!...I love you!...

He'd done that on purpose, to make a proveable point. I could have said anything, the most likely candidate being Fine, Be that way, just go!, See if I care. I could have said, You're right, this is right and I'm not doubting anymore. I could have said that too. I could have yelled in there and screamed. But in my absolute most desperate hour, that's not what I said. I said, Come back. Don't go. Never go. And Bren said, I don't know what love is "supposed" to be, but for me, it's that. Don't go. Don't ever go.

I never want him to go. The thought of it pains me. I want him by my side. As I type I worry a bit - by my side? FOREVER? and what if it's not true - but I'm starting to push the doubts away. The phrase repeats in my head. Don't go. Don't ever go.

IT's been a very, very hard 2 (3 now) weeks. I've been shaken to my core. My beliefs about myself, my art, my career have been stripped away - I don't know even if I want to do music anymore. It's ben THAT hard. But it was this one thought, leaving Bren, not loving Bren, that nearly destroyed me. The thought of it tears me apart. Having the doubt in the first place was absolutely terrifying.

I'm starting to learn that doubting is ok (ish). If you're with someone for a long time and things haven't been all romantic as they used to be, then yes, you doubt; if you're probably going to be engaged soon, and think about it all the fucking time, YES, you doubt! If you are in a competition and aren't elated the whole time, yes, you doubt. But I see now that doubting is ok. Doubts help you think and evaluate your situation, and bring up problems that you wouldn't have thought of otherwise. But all my doubts came out in a very short span, and I simply couldn't deal with them. Bren did something smart here, but scary as hell - he absolutely took a doubt away to try to save me.

When it comes down to it, I really DON'T know my core that well. Religiously I'm clueless at this point, musically and career-wise I'm equally confused. Mom's better and I don't know how to consider her as a result. I'm scared to get married and really commit. But down at the core IS Brendan, the man I love. Even when I have nothing left he is there, smiling, waiting for me to see him again. I have to remember this for the rest of my life. I have something to believe in. Maybe I can believe in myself, too.

4:55am 2/7/08

We did it!!!!!!!

That game was scary as hell and worth every minute of it. GO GIANTS!

Labels: sports