Talking to Bren, I asked him what he thought was important in life. He made a list of three things - first, himself and his ideas, second, his friends and their well-being, third, humanity as a whole. This made me think about mine. And as it turns out, I have four, not three things.

1. My work, getting things done. So working on music is a valuable activity, and finishing a site is a valuable activity. Even cooking a meal is valuable, if it was something I felt was a project needing to get done. This gives me self-worth like other things don't.
2. My friends and loved ones, their happiness and/or well-being. Not in relation to me exactly, but just as a general thing, that they are doing well and aren't upset.
3. Humanity as a whole, though it's hard to do much about that. Living in a way that suits the needs of humanity, so don't waste things, don't buy too much crap, recycle, that sort of thing. Keep up with politics and such to know about the world.
4. My feelings and emotions and intangibles. The stuff I simply like to do, regardless of output or "worth".

See, that fourth one should probably be #1. The problem I seem to be going through is that if I'm not working, say, on music, I feel like I'm wasting time. So at work, I didn't have much to do today, and I learned about good design principles, read about the debate last night, and talked to friends. But that still felt like a "waste". Similarly, last night I was home alone, and I watched the debate and played Puzzle Quest and washed dishes, but I could have been doing something more useful. So again, a waste of time.

I'm starting to see that you can't always be working, and working can't be the only thing that gives you worth. If you're an athlete and break your leg, you need to find a way to like yourself despite not being able to play. I am not music/design/another person's source of happiness, I'm me, and I need to like that enough to get through the day. My goal, then, is to do things I like, say, watching Justice League and playing Lumines, and not feel the absolute guilt about wasting time, or the pressure to not waste time. And spending time with Bren, I should enjoy the time, even if we aren't doing anything specific. Last night we were going through his Bebop music collection on compy, putting song names to the tracks. It was nostalgic and fun. Nothing specific though. Then I complained that we don't "do anything".

Maybe one day I'll understand that the "do nothing" days are the ones to be treasured, the days without pressure or stress or plans, where you just be, whatever you feel like being, enjoying each other's (or your own) company. Sounds nice. And then, I won't put so much pressure on those "do everything" days. I'd like to be satisfied with who I am and what I have to offer, and not just the work I do. I think I'll be a lot happier.

Labels: personal

Check out jamieklenetsky.com to hear the recording of my piece "Hakol BeSeder, B'eli HaSeder" from the competition in Omaha last month. It's not bad, and as it turns out, the ending sounds the best by far (despite it being a bit of an afterthought when written). I realize, though, how I crave perfection in recording and performance. I guess that's by virtue of working alone, and with electronics - everything you do sounds just right. Working with performers is so, so different. Not bad, certainly awesome. But takes some getting used to.

I don't know what kind composer to be. I really like the more ambient sounds of Susumu Yokota, for example, and I feel my piece "Commuter's Dream" (again, at jk.com) is the best piece I've ever written. That's the direction I'm moving in, I suppose. It's interesting that although I keep searching for "real" or "genuine" things, I end up veering towards the electronic. I wonder why that is.

Labels: Omaha

Things I'm starting to accept:

1. I don't need to like everything that everyone likes. Sometimes my friends et al do things I find boring, or not interesting, and I don't need to pretend to like it to fit in. Similarly, I don't need to like everything Bren likes all the time. I can be bored with video games once in awhile!
2. I really like getting away and doing things on my own. And being alone for an hour and doing my own thing doesn't have any bearing on a relationship. It's alot healthier that way.
   
3. Noone's perfect. Related to the first two. And no one person can fulfill everything you want. Bren probably won't want to watch Sex and the City with me, can I blame him?

Things I'd like to get better at accepting:

1. Boredom. I hate being bored. I'm bored right now. Work bores me. And believe me, I try to vary things, I listen to NPR and new music and I go to the library quite often, I have origami paper at work, but do I get bored! I can accept being bored with a person sometimes, but being bored for most of the day is not fun. I need to make things more interesting or, you know, do something about it.
2. The time things take to get done - as in, I'm not a famous composer yet (though I did get my recording today), and I'll need a real job for a long time.
3. The fact that when I was a kid, I didn't dream about guys or getting married or having kids. All I thought about was what'd I'd do when I grew up. I used to imagine myself getting interviewed on 60 Minutes for singing; now it's Soundcheck for composing. I should learn about my other life goals and deal with them.

Yes. Last night I went to this amazing tapas place with Swappy, mmm, and now I have a craving for mochi again, as always. I feel "inspired" so to speak to actually work on music tonight. Bren's going to his mom's so it's a good day to do it. Plus, my therapy session this morning didn't suck!

Labels: personal

I haven't felt this good in a month. I feel so much love for Brendan right now. :) It's very nice.

I went to the city this weekend. The first day I hung out with Tanya. We went to St. Mark's, which I'd never gone to. It reminded me of Harajuku, complete with Japanese restaurants and bubble tea shops. Very punk/goth and full of indie music, which was cool. I was very anxious/upset at that time, we talked for a long time. I was really not doing well, but was able to pull myself out of it. Seeing Tanya in itself was very nice. I made my way over to Ivy's and we talked and talked. I can't remember the last time we did that.

The next day we went to the Met and saw some amazing exhibits, including blog.mode, which I strongly recommend to anyone else who's obsessed with Project Runway like I am. We found a diner and walked around and got some Jamba Juice, and I really was starting to feel better. I got tired (didn't sleep well the day before) and stayed in for the evening, watching Simpsons and Family Guy, and reading "Shame in the Blood", a fantastic Japanese love story. Ivy worked on her dissertation and I took some time for myself. I went to bed early, like I wanted.

This morning I took off for W. 4th street, wandering around. I found a street (can't remember the name) that amazed me. It wasn't trying to be hip, rich, or interesting; it simply existed. There were a few adult shops, a hole-in-the-wall bakery, a gift shop with a cute puppy outside the door, a pub with a crazy name. There were some people walking. It was very...unpretentious, I guess. I loved it. I went to the IFC to see the Oscar-nominated Animated Shorts. They were pretty stunning, though the beautiful "My Love" was my favorite. After this, I was ready to go home, and headed for Penn Station.

I was very anxious coming home. I love New York and want to move somewhere closer. Would I appreciate being in the 'burbs again? I was mainly anxious about seeing Bren again. When he picked me up, I held his arm and cried a little. He said something about having "sometime to cry on their shoulder with" (a quote by Wise) and I started crying. I feel like things are in perspective. I've been overthinking and not trusting my judgements. Bren is a wonderful person and I am very glad and happy to be with him. :) Music will come when it comes and do what I want it to do. And as for work...well, I'll try to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I shouldn't go insane about it. :P

Having alone time does wonders, I must say. I still feel anxious, mainly because I'm worried about tomorrow - will I still feel this way? I've gotta believe I will, and then I will, right. I'm getting ok.

Labels: personal