Not sure why I'm making this post, exactly. I guess I feel like I owe it to everyone to let you know what's going on. Here goes.
I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and depression this week. I starting taking an SSRI (Lexapro), though it won't have an effect for at least another 2 weeks. There. Said it. Maybe I shouldn't be posting this publicly. But blogging always makes things feel more
real for me, and I've been fighting this for so long, it's about time I just say it.
Anyone who knows me well can probably put the pieces together here. I've always been an anxious person, tapping, biting my nails, picking my face, mood shifts, worried about most things. At this point, it's really overtaken me, to a point where I
need to deal with it. Which, I can see, is a good thing. At the end of all this, maybe, I'll actually feel normal, not questioning things all the time, not so guilty, not so low. It would be very nice, though I can barely imagine it.
Every day is different. There are some days that are really wonderful, like our date last Monday, and while I felt anxious about the future (meaning the next day), I had fun, felt loving and loved, and really wasn't upset about much. Then there are days like yesterday, when I was so upset that I woke Bren up, crying and sad, and had to miss time at work. There are definite highs and lows here. I don't really feel "safe" in most places. Though video games have helped.
The problem is that I don't know or trust my gut anymore. I certainly used to, especially toward the end of high school, the beginning of college. I'm not entire sure how I progressed to this point. But I find it hard to trust my feelings. Imagine this - you walk down the street and see a nice looking guy, and you think, "Wow, he's nice looking. I wonder if I should be with him instead of my current boyfriend, because he looks different. Wait, what a silly thought, I love my boyfriend. I shouldn't think of other people like that. But I am! Why am I doing that? Does that mean I don't want to be with my boyfriend? What if I don't? Does that mean everything I have is a lie? Am I lying to myself? Is this where I want to be?" It's like that. It cycles and becomes negative until it's really all I can think about. I've had this before, when I had "insomnia" senior year - it wasn't real insomnia, it was a series of thoughts - "I need to sleep. I can't sleep though. Damn those pipes. How do Matt and Liz fall asleep so easily? I
need to sleep but I can't. Damn it.
Damn it. Sleep, come on." And I could only sleep when I put on TV and forgot my thoughts.
I haven't written music in oh, 2 months now (if you've noticed Song-a-Week), I'm just trying to get through the days. Movies, Smash Bros Brawl, that stuff is really helping me out. Being around people helps, but usually the people that I don't have expectations about. Like, I have expectations about how I should/want to be around X, but around Y I don't really care, so that's easier. It's interesting, but kind of sad how it's easier/less stressful to be around relative strangers than close friends sometimes.
It seems like the more emotionally invested I am in someone/thing, the harder it is to be around them. I'm proud of myself for not just running out on Bren, moving home for awhile. Somewhere in my heart, I know that's not what I want to do, it's just so hard to see it, and I wonder sometimes if I really do need the time alone, just to get my head back on straight - if that would even help. As for music, I have no idea what I want to do there. I had all these dreams, but they seem fuzzy, unreal.
My biggest fear, at least the one I woke up with today, is that if/when I finally feel free of this problem, slowly over the months I go to therapy and all, I'll be different. Maybe I'm not this empathetic, excitable person. Maybe I'm selfish, willing to give everything up on a whim, maybe I'm promiscuous, maybe I'll never have anything stable. I've kept up my commitments, my relationships, jobs, school, but maybe I've simply done that out of the fear of loss. If I am free of that fear, then who will I be? It seems to have defined me in many ways.
I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by posting this. I guess I just want people to understand what I'm going through right now. Even when I talk to Bren about it I'm rather emotional, and it's better for him to not give me a ton of advice anyway, so maybe this post is my way of reaching out. In any case, here it is.
Labels: personal
