I went to Lindsay's after work yesterday and slept over. Dana and Aud came over at some point and we went to Escondidos, the mall, etc. It was a very good time, I got to talk alot with Lindsay and just relax a bit, have fun, do a lot of joking around, and hugging puppies. The best thing we did though was to watch a ton of original Sailor Moon (Classic and R).

I absolutely forgot how plain good Sailor Moon is. The animation isn't top-notch, but it just has such a heart to it, and the characters are well-developed, you really care about these people, and their interactions certainly trump any silly filler plot (and most of the filler eps are pretty fantastic anyway). Mamoru is so damn heart-felt towards Usagi, a fact often lost in the dub. The music is great, the henshin, etcetc. I'm glad to be able to look back at the show without nostalgia and just see it for what it is - rather flawed, but fantastic, I would show it to my kid.

Sailor Moon directly changed my life, for those of you who hadn't known that. Watching it as a kid, I formed stronger friendships with others (my friends and I formed a "Sailor Moon Club" in 5th grade, was it? I was Mercury, of course). It was an escape, something I always looked forward to watching. Liking the music piqued my own interest in music. When we got dial-up, Mom looked up the show online, and I was exposed to Japan for the first time, as well as web design - all my first sites were shrines to the show. I started teaching myself web design, Japanese, and I wrote more music, and sung more. It also exposed me to different kinds of relationships - fraternal, sisterly, and romantic, especially between the same sex. The relationship of Haruka and Michiru always got to me. It was so vital to my development, and where I am now.

Maybe this week when I'm alone, I'll take some time and rewatch more Sailor Moon, to try to remember what I saw it in, where I came from. I'm so anxious now, I'm antsy, exhausted, I keep waking up at 4 in the morning, and sometimes I just want to give up on this whole break thing, give in to my random feelings, and then I see Mamoru and Usagi finally get back together and it's the most genuine thing, and I remember Bren, and want to call him. It's confusing as hell. Maybe a good nights' sleep would help. Hope I get one.

Labels: personal

Before anyone panicks about my away messages as of late, I'm all right. It's been a crazy emotional ride, that's for sure.

Bren and I agreed that we should take a break for now. A break meaning that I get the apartment (he's at home), we see each other but not all the time, and we try to keep the romance to a minimum. We are still together, and aren't looking for other people, but I'm being given the space I need. I realize that everyone from Mom to Bren himself suggested this months ago, but I haven't had the courage or clarity to accept this until now. Maybe I could have spared myself months of grief, but there we go. I don't know what will happen to us - I love him so much, I feel that so much now - but I'm willing to accept anything at this point. The important thing now is for me to get better at my own pace, and I need to be alone to do that.

But now I can feel his absence, I woke up at 4 (it's 4:15 now) and I couldn't call him, go to him for comfort. I can't get him to play a game while I fall asleep on the couch. I feel empty, confused. I really did grow so depedent on him for emotional support, like he became my backbone. So tonight, even though he's still with me, I feel like something's been ripped out of me, or something. I think that's the point -

I felt like an adult last night for the first time. This was a real adult decision, not staying with him or breaking up out of pure fear, as had been happening, but doing something that I know I needed to do, despite how hard it is now. I'm proud of the two of us. But holy crap, it really sucks right now. I'm probably not going to fall asleep.

So I have a lot of issues to work out for myself, many involve Bren in some way but not all, and I see that by depending on him so much and him being around, I asked him how I should feel, what I should do, and I honestly didn't trust my own thoughts anymore. So here we go. I'm probably going to be bugging friends alot, so be forewarned ;^^ But that's part of the point, learning to depend on a myriad of people, learning to really open up to my friends, as well as learning how to be alone. Re-learning what love is about, and how to separate anxiety and sadness from my true emotions.

I really want to thank everyone who talked to me, and who talked to Bren, cause you all really helped us out, and everyone is so understanding, and I only wish that I didn't get this bad but it would have happened regardless, because I've had these issues for a long time, and I'm sure you all know it. I'll be blogging more, blogging has always been a security blanket for me, and now I don't feel like stopping typing, but I don't even know what to say anymore.

Labels: personal