1950-2008

He was just such an awesome person. Great interviewer/host, and just an all-around good guy. He was only 58. This whole thing doesn't seem fair. It's sad that he isn't able to see the end of the election this year, he was always so enthusiastic about it. Best wishes for his family. He was just the kind of guy you'd want to hug, who could comfort you even when things were down. RIP.

Labels: news

I hate guilt. I am sick of feeling guilt. On Tuesday, I went to the DBSA support group, and all these issues came up, mainly guilt. That combined with the scary-as-fuck lightning storm made Tuesday night not very fun. On Wednesday I felt more resolute, and made decisions that I felt proud of myself for. Then the doubts, the anxiety, the thoughts of self-sabotage. I wrote them out yesterday as a story, each thought getting its own story. It helped to see what my fears are. Now I feel gulity about having them at all, about feeling this way. This is going to take awhile.

I seem to be afraid of three basic things. Either: getting into something and then sabotaging myself; getting into something and then finding something "better" or more "real", I drop what I'd been doing; or I don't get into said somethings, and end up feeling miserable, floating around. I guess there are only two fears then:

• not being able to trust myself/commit to something, and breaking said commitment (which leads to either misery or happiness, but the cycle could continue later on)
• not trying at all, and being miserable as a result/not holding on to my dreams

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. If I do commit to something, and vow to push through even if it gets tough, I don't trust myself to continue on. I can imagine myself getting married and then blowing it all on some guy I don't even like, or going to school, getting frazzled, and giving up. But then if I don't try to follow these dreams, the ones I laid out in the previous post, then I simply won't do anything, I won't act, I'll float around and life will be empty. It's destruction or emptiness.

It sounds really emo when I put it that way.

I seem to dream of this magic moment when I don't have these feelings anymore. It's not going to happen. It's about doing what's right and good despite that, I think.

Labels: personal

I'll write a list of dreams, active ones, not these static states I keep thinking about.

• to love and support Bren for all my life (that's a biggie for me)
• to be creative, to compose and draw and create something
• to learn more about design, and music, and make something of it
• to live in a walkable kind of town (Mo'town!) and become more healthy
• to have relationships with loving people
• to free myself of overthinking and guilt

Note that I didn't say "free myself from anxiety", because I can't. Never will. I have anxiety and probably have for a long time, and that's just what it is. But I want to free myself from the guilt I tend to feel about most everything. I want to act without having to reason out every little thing I do. I want to have these dreams without questioning them. Then I read this on Jezebel and get really anxious again. I guess my true dream is - follow my dreams, not my fears.

I want to send a huge hug and congrats to Bren, who got into NJIT yesterday. This is after years of hoping and struggling, he's been through so much, and he did it, and I knew he could. I couldn't be more proud of him.

It's been a pretty crazy weekend!

Friday
I picked up Aud from the train station, we went to Thai Nam Phet (her first Thai food), came back. Pablo came over with a surprise - he found a turtle outside of work! They went to Shop Rite to get some turtle pellets. In the meantime, Bren and Went came over. Pablo and Aud came back, and there was much Karting to be had. Brian came over by the time we started playing Smash. Very fun. :)

Saturday
Long, crazy day. Went with Aud to NYC, where we met Tony at his suite in the Hotel Pennsylvania (looked like an apartment). We walked over to Herald Square in search for some real NYC pizza (poor Tony, he lives in AZ now) and talked baseball. Aud and Tony headed off for the Yankee game, and I walked over to Rockefeller Plaza, where I got mochi and tried out Wii Fit at the Nintendo World Store (and got Bren a plushie Snorlax, it's SO CUTE). After wandering a bit, I headed over for the IFC in the Village, meandered until the movie Jihad for Love (about homosexuality and Islam - really interesting) started. After this, I went to Ivy's place, and the two of us went to the New York Composer's Circle concert. THEN we headed off for St. Marks to the "Bourgeois Pig", this awesome bar/fondue place, where we met Ivy's friends and had cheese and chocolate fondue. Andddd sleep.

Sunday
We met Dad at Penn Station and headed off for the Bronx. Our usual lunch at McDonald's, then Dad took pics of the new Yankee Stadium. Then off to the bleachers for the game! Dad was so happy, he'd never sat in the bleachers before :) It was very hot and tiring, but we won, and had a whole lot of fun. And finally, back to Penn, and back to NJ. After a welcome shower, I went to see Indy 4 with the Lair, which was of course a lot of fun!

More after I get to work

Labels: personal