This isn't cool. :( He was such an awesome guy. I grew up with him in the booth. :(

Yesterday was pretty fun. :) After doing a quick/massive apartment cleanup, I went over to Bren's, say hi to his grandma, and we watched some hilarious shorts from the Rifftrax guys. Then we picked up Aud from the train station, and all of us went to this awesome restaurant in Dover (there was a jazz band playing, people dancing...I loved it), had delicious food, and returned home for homemade Weaver peach cobbler. Mmmmmmm then Aud and I drove back to the apartment and I promptly passed out in my clothes on the loveseat. :P

I'm disappointed because I still suck at knitting. I need to try again today.

Things are going really well with Bren and I, and in general, and I'm petrified of losing it, or having these feelings go away. Just being open with that.

This is a REALLY good op-ed piece about depression. For those who don't have it, it's a valuable read. And read the comments, they are amazing.

Things I like
I like how I appreciate bad movies, old public service announcements, and other Rifftrax/MST related items.

Anxieties
What I said above. Things are good and I am really afraid that it will go away, or that I'm deluding myself.

To-do list

• try again with the knitting (keep going)
• hang with Aud - WoW and kitties and whatnot.
  
• take her back to NB? or to a train, or something
• WiiFit?

Man. I'm just not in a good mood today. I'm feeling really pissy and annoyed and irritable. I'm going to do my best to enjoy the day.

Labels: each day

I had a weird dream last night. I've had this dream once or twice before: I'm back in my high school (maybe it's my sophomore year of college), and my English teacher tells me that I never actually passed senior year English. I cringe, I haven't read any of the books, and he says I'll have to take the final. It was something about novels by Albert Camus, I don't know. Anyway, it turns out that my senior year, I didn't do any of the reading, I skipped class, winged things, and the system just forgot about me, and so I didn't have to take the final, and still graduated.

This time the dream was a little different. My teacher, who was overweight at the time, for some reason was thinned out in the dream, but was still wearing big clothes, as if he got weight-loss surgery and hadn't bought a new wardrobe yet. I also felt the emotions of the dream in a very palpable way, which I usually don't do. I remember it REALLY well, and when I woke up I was still tired, and thought about it.

This dream tells me that I am desperately afraid of failure. I messed up my knitting, didn't work on music, so I had this dream. The weight loss, is that because of Bren and the apartment? I'm not sure. Still. Wow.

Things I like
MM you know, I'm just not in the mood for this today.

Anxieties
Worried about the apartment again. Took a lot of time to reflect last night - I've been in Wharton for 2 years (scary, no), though it never quite felt like home. I thought about my time inn Wharton, this past year, I thought about the Super Bowl party, watching playoff games with my heart racing, how long it's been. It's just a lot that happened. It's hard to believe that it happened, but also that I'm getting better.

To do list

• clean my office
• clean the apartment. aud's sleeping over :)
• fix my knitting again (sigh) (it was fixed for me)
• make a list of things for the new apartment
• again, ...music...
• maybe WiiFit later
  

Labels: each day

Good news- we got the apartment. Scared, but excited. So Bren and I should be living in Franklin Manor in Morristown in about a month or so!

Bad. I keep fucking up my knitting. I'm really upset by this, as odd as that sounds. I don't know how to fix it so I just give up. And I was doing ok, but I had to redo my project again, and I messed up AGAIN, and it feels really bad. :(

Labels: personal

Is it wrong to be happy? I don't think so. And I'm much less anxious about it than I used to be. Bren came over last night (after a fun knitting class), helped fix my computer, much hugging and silliness abounded, and I actually started crying, full of emotion, and said, "I LOVE YOU! I love you!!" And it was true, and I couldn't believe it. I'm not going anywhere, I know that. I was hit on TWICE at the train station (that's a first for me) and I took so much pride in saying, "I'm quite taken right now, thank you." I felt happy last night.

As soon as I realized how happy I was, I felt more anxious. But of course! I'm not doubting the usually "am I really happy?". I'm just nervous about it. I guess it's kinda like, "Did last night really happen?" And I feel nervous about it, because it's alot. But I'm glad it happened. I'm glad I cried and said that because I meant it. And like I said to him last night, we're going to get healthy together.

Things I like
How much I like cartoons? Animation is my favorite medium after all.

Anxieties
Just what I said - being happy, admitting love - it's all really BIG for me to do that. It's not easy. I tend to question things, "Why am I happy? Should I be happy? Are there other motives for this?" I find that the less I worry about that, in the moment itself, the happier I am. I'm starting to see that you don't need a justifiable reason to love something or someone - it's what makes you happy that counts. But still, quite anxious!

To do list

• meeting with Health today
• try to plan a Dark Knight showing next week
• do at least 1 row of knitting (it's alot! ugh)
• show Bren the room layout thing
• play WiiFit
• ...music...?
  

Labels: each day

I was pretty anxious yesterday, that's for sure. It makes sense, a whole lot has happened, and I am getting better, and it's scary. Playing with the kitties at the Animal Shelter helped - I can't be around a million cats, I cough, but I want one so much! - they were so cute, and seeing 5 of them trying to grab a ribbon was pretty amazing. Lots of talking at the support group last night, a few of us talked Anxiety afterwards, which was helpful. Someone said something smart - "You lash out the most at your family because you know they aren't going away." So I guess Bren has been my family this whole time. :)

Also, WTF with the winner of Hell's Kitchen. I was REALLY rooting for the other person. Damn.

So a new start to a new day. I've already watched ESPN, played WiiFit, and knit (though I fucked it up somewhere). What else to do?

Things I like
I like how interested I am in world events and trends, sociological things. It feels good to know about the world.

Anxieties
Again, just a general one today. A bit worried about my computers - one doesn't turn on, the other goes black often enough. Also worried about how I messed up my knitting, even if that sounds silly.

To do list

• fix my knitting (what the heck did I do?)
• try to get a haircut
• actually get something at Century 21 today (new shoes!)
• knitting class
• finish the new CSS uploading stuff at work (well, as much as I'm going to do)
• play around with the room layout generator thing
• try to figure out the deal with my compy (thanks Bren!) (it's the power supply)
• finish that quest in Netherstorm. (I know, I'm a loser)
  

Labels: each day

3 Weeks today. Wow. I've gotten a lot better in these three weeks, I think. I applied for the apartment last night - looks like it's really happening. I'm getting more excited for it, though I still feel kind of tentative. It's going to take work - it's a real relationship, after all - but I think we will do well. I'm feeling much more hopeful than before.

Played WoW, and fell asleep in the middle of Sethekk Halls. I'm so lame :)

Things I like
I like how much I enjoy getting off a computer and doing something physical, it could be running or shopping or knitting. I do love computers, but I like being able to appreciate the world outside of a computer.

Anxieties
Still feeling a bit scared about the apartment. Otherwise, nothing much!

To do list

• meet Rachel for shopping lunch at noon!
• do something useful at work
• knit some more
• go to Asian supermarket and animal shelter
• go to DBSA
• any time for WiiFit or WoW?
  

Labels: each day

Didn't post for a couple of days. It's been a really good birthday weekend! Went to Aud's, ate WAY way too much delicious Mrs. Andrews food, played a bunch of WoW (it was like a LAN party, pretty awesome), took an adventure into Philly, saw Dana's awesome apartment and cute kitties! and hung out with Chuck and their friends, ate more delicious food, drove home for the fun family BBQ, got awesome gifts, hugged Bren alot, saw friends at Fed's and Hancock, then girly sleepover night of Sailor Moon, followed by Lair BBQ and card games. Whew!

After awhile I was definitely overwhelmed by people and such. I took a few hours to relax and things got better (whew). Then I had a great time at Baum's. Bren looked so cute in the pool. :)

A big thank you for the birthday wishes. Woo, I'm 24! Got a nice haul too - 2 cute purses, a beautiful anklet and a necklace, a couple of gift certificates, one of the bestest movies ever, and a 4 GB Zune (YAY Brendan rocks), among other things. Got to see friends and family and it was really a great weekend.

Now, the next wave starts. It's almost the middle of June. Bren and I found an apartment and we're applying for it as we speak. Here we go.

What I like
I like that even when I feel really down, or like I need to be alone, I still like my friends alot, and am now able to recognize that sometimes, you just need to be alone.

Anxieties
The apartment aaaah. Amazing how you can want to marry someone but are afraid to move in! It's more about the work involved. Now I understand that relationships take work, balance, sacrifice, and love. They are difficult, that is. I tend to shy away from difficult things. But I'm very excited for our new place. I just want it to work out. I want us to really make this work and get married and live happily ever after. ;^^ I'm a DORK

To do list

• knit
• play WiiFit
• get groceries
• apply for the apartment
• mess around with the Zune
• WoW! woo
  

Labels: each day