I had my last therapy session on Friday. It's an interesting feeling, mainly one of tentative happiness. I'm really glad that I've made it this far, I've come a long way and am doing much better than I'd been. I'm pretty successful now. At the same time, I'm a bit scared. And I'm reflecting on this past year. Just the enormity of what's happened is weighing on me. I can't quite describe it, it's just knowing fully what happened, and kind of...feeling that. I'm proud of myself, don't get me wrong.

I picked up WotLK, which is fantastic. I'm really enjoying the Borean Tundra, there are some cool quests there and the design is really great. I'm questing alone, which is a little lonely. Maybe I'll transfer to Bren's server.

Yesterday I went to the city for rehearsal. I tried writing some music on the train, and came up with something relatively cool. I don't like the poem I wrote on the whole though. Through rehearsal I felt a little out of place. One of the pieces is really hard, and I can't seem to count it through. I lost my absolute pitch over this past year, and I'm trying to retrain myself in that. I feel rusty or something. I also feel like I'm not as much of a musician as the others in the choir, since they compose and perform and teach and all this stuff. I dunno, I just felt a little down about it. I had fun with Ivy at dinner, and chilling with Bren later on in the evening.

I think I'm feeling a bit detached, or not fully in what I'm doing. It's been awhile since I thought of a bonafide idea, something I've worked hard on and processed my brain on. So I feel like I'm sleepwalking a bit. At the same time, I'm really afraid to try to put the effort out. So I'm stuck in this weird spot. I'm scared of failing, or of my idea to not be very good. It's pretty irrational, but it's not stupid. I need to explore that, and then come up with an idea anyway. Even if it sucks.

ANYWAY, I'm doing well, so don't let this post fool you. Today we're getting the kitty :) And I'm really excited for that of course. Choir tonight is always fun. And of course, go Giants!

Labels: personal

Is what I do good enough? That's the thought that'll get me. I was presented with the thought of "you haven't composed in a year" last night, and it just makes me think. I feel a little uncomfortable now.

It's like there's a pit in my stomach, not trying to be melodramatic here. Just this gnawing idea, "Is what I'm doing enough? Am I doing the right things?" And it wouldn't have got to me if it wasn't in the back of my mind in the first place.

What I need to remember more than anything is what I've learned this year - live is about living and doing what matters to you, and I've been doing that. I've been afraid to write, to think THAT MUCH. I'm both afraid of failing and afraid of falling back to where I was. So I haven't meditated or really given myself much time to think at all.

When I think about composing, I think pretty negatively about myself. "I should have been composing. Nothing I do compares to it." I somehow elevated it to THE THING I NEED TO DO IN THIS LIFE.....come to think of it, that's how I felt about Bren, when things were bad with us.

So that's a negative feeling that needs to be countered. I used to think "if I don't sing, I'm a failure" too, and look at me now, I'm relaxed about it, and I'm singing. Same with Bren. So I guess what I should do is try to calm the F down about composing, and just try it again, without getting so scared. Somehow.

Labels: personal

Read this article. Makes me think.

Here's the quote:
if something keeps coming back to you, even if you think you’re doing what you “should do,” pay attention to your obsessions. They just might make a difference.

This can of course be dangerous advice for everything in life. People can have unhealthy obsessions, destructive obsessions. So the first thing is to determine what is unhealthy. For me, I think unhealthy thoughts tend to be in the vein of "I need to do this to make myself valid" or "Thinking about this makes me upset but I can't stop so I have to play it out". Anxiety, I guess.

Healthy obsessions are things you do for the sake of doing them, not because you think you should or must or it's right or any other number of reasons. Because you simply enjoy them, the feeling they give you and what it does for people. Those are the things they are talking about in this article.

I've had trouble embracing those in the past year; I grappled with the idea of "should" for quite a long time. I'm starting to let that stuff go, or have been for a few months now, and am a much happier person. As a result, I find myself gravitating to three things, overall: singing interesting music, design and color and the web, and having fun with Bren. :)

For singing, I joined C4, and I'm singing professionally in a church choir. I really enjoy both - I'm learning alot about music and how it affects me (and others). For design, I started knitting, and I love exploring colors and patterns. I took a design course and notice typography and such more, and really enjoy designing websites, even though it gets tedious sometimes. With Bren, as I dropped the whole "we should be like this" spiel, I've been overall very happy there.

Composing isn't in this list. I haven't written in a long time, not a full piece anyway. I started a couple, but just couldn't get myself to do it. Not sure why. I think, though, that what I actually love about music is the start to completion aspect. So it's not about writing a piece, it's about fulling getting into a piece, evolving along with a piece, having it come to life by your actions. So getting to know a piece very well and then performing it is what I seem to love the best. I think that I, in my life, will end up composing pretty much exclusively for choir, doing things that I think I'd like to sing, so that I can do this.

Labels: personal

I think that this is something difficult for a person in the midst of a mood disorder to understand. Feelings like fear, anxiety, sadness, distraction, hyperness - all of these things are very normal to feel. The person with a mood disorder feels them to a greater level (depending on the disorder), they are somehow wired to feel them in a more extreme. So the thing to remember is that These feelings are natural; you can't ever get rid of them (nor should you), but you can work on your reactions to them.

I've been very overwhelmed lately by all the stuff I'm doing. And I grew a bit fearful about that. But talking to people gave me a reality check - that's a normal feeling. Being distracted around people, feeling flustered, being anxious about the future, they are all normal things. Remembering that, I feel better already. :)

Labels: personal

So many things are happening! Work is work, things cooled down a tad last week but still had a bunch to do. I had therapy and the doctor and things are going pretty well. Choir again (after a week off for Yom Kippur), and now I'm doing updates for the C4 website (which I didn't design, so please no critiques). So that was a trip into the city. Saturday was my 2D design class, which went very well, I learned a whole lot there. Then people came over that night. Sunday I discovered mint.com, which I'm super-excited about, then went to the Giants game, then came back, hugged Bren for a bit until the Xbox red-ringed (noooo), THEN church gig. Now back at work! Aaaahh

So at the class, besides the basic learning about graphic design principles, I saw that I do the same thing in design that I do in music. That is, I tend to think about a story (how can I use these elements to describe this?) instead of letting the story get created by the elements. I also tend to think inside the box, or I need to do something very random and then try to organize it. (Usually my best stuff.) For example, we needed to trace 10 pennies on paper to try to describe "chaos". I couldn't be chaotic, so I just dropped the pennies on the paper and traced them where they fell. Similar to when I just take out the bar lines in Finale and attempt to do something interesting. What I'd like to learn to do is take more time in that middle step, of these three steps: determine the basic elements of the composition; arrange the elements in various ways to get ideas; refine the arrangement into a full composition. I tend to jump from 1 to 3.

So did I mention that I'm busy? Here are the things I want/need to do this week:

• get groceries
• buy new shoes (brownish sneakers, that I can wear to work. My sneakers are dying)
• continue knitting
• practice for both choirs
• choir on Thursday
• See "W." tonight
• hopefully go to Rockaway on Tuesday to see Mrs. Fay (gotta see how busy I get)
• work on layouts for C4
• do homework (simple enough) for the class
• go to class Saturday
• go to Lizzy party Saturday night
• pumpkin picking Sunday
• choir gig Sunday night
• work out budget on mint.com
• donate to WNYC
• work on a piece
  
• actually hang out with Bren for a bit :)
  
• attempt to enjoy and appreciate all of these things that I'm doing so I don't go crazy

Woooooo
I'm in the moment while I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing. BUT as soon as I'm done, I have a checklist in my head, and I think about the next thing there is to do. So it's much harder for me to appreciate what it is I have and am doing to the level that I want. Believe me, I appreciate having Bren, taking the class, singing professionally, going to games and the whatnot, but I also want to like...meditate on that, or something. Without meditating becoming something else I have to do :)

BTW, go go Colin Powell! And Tampa! And...well, we won anyway.

Labels: personal

I think I've spent a good chunk of my life finding external justifications for my actions. I needed proof. See this certificate, I'm a composer now. Every year together, our relationship becomes more official. The list could go on, but these are the basics. So I sought out this tangible proof, proof of my spiritual faith beyond all else. Faith in my own emotions and passions.

But I've been getting better, much better. I'm taking things less seriously thank I used to - that is, I still care deeply about things, but I'm able to forget them more quickly when the moment has passed. I'm singing alot (my first love), I joined a professional church choir in Seton Hall, and so I'm living out (quite by accident) my dream of getting paid to sing in a choir. I'm seeing friends, going to games, knitting, playing video games, reading and listening to fascinating things. In short, I'm focusing on myself, the things I love. And as a result, I've become more musical (though I still haven't written much - haven't felt a huge impulse to yet), more creative (working on layouts now quite a bit), and have become a much more intimate, loving person. Bren and I are doing great.

So the lesson is...you need to have faith. Not in a higher power necessarily, but in yourself, in your ability to overcome things, to trust in your judgements and emotions and passions, and to let things happen as they will. God help me, I'm doing pretty damn good.

Labels: personal

This weekend was full of birthday goodness. Liz and Matt came over a couple of nights ago, then Chrissy and Wise came over, and we all went out to the Frog. Yummy food, I got the waiter to bring Bren some birthday ice cream :) and it was fun! Last night was the birthday party, pot pie and Christmas tree cake all so good, a ton of people came over and we played Buzz, The Last Man, and they went onto play Rock Band 2 and Silent Hill 5. I fell asleep and Bren stayed up all night (he's asleep now) and it was a good night overall. I'm still tired as heck but hey, what to do.

I've noticed that I've been getting really jealous and defensive and things with Bren, and it's really driving me nuts. I've been noticing these little things and letting them get to me when I normally wouldn't. I've also been grabbing for attention. I'm not too sure why I've been doing these things. I was anxious this week but have largely gotten over that. But I've been paranoid, more than anything. Like if Bren's been hanging out more with another person I get all jealous, if he makes fun of me in some way, or even points out something silly that I did, I feel defensive about myself. It's really annoying, and I'm trying to stop it.

Maybe after the game today, and I fall asleep :) then it will be better.

Labels: personal

Check's in the mail.

Thank god. One more chapter is closed!

Labels: personal

So I'm feeling happy but uninspired. A rather annoying place to be, if you ask me. I spent all weekend cleaning, for the most part, first Wharton (they'd better give me back my money), then Morristown (reorganizing and cleaning and making it nice for my family, who came over today). I organized and came up with cool ideas for where to put this and that, came up with a new arrangement for the dining room. I'm pretty happy with how everything turned out :) Getting ever-closer to being able to have a housewarming!

And it's been a good weekend overall, Aud slept over on Friday night, which was fun, we watched the debate and played WoW and talked and the like. Saturday we walked into town and went to Macho Nacho, the best Mexican place I've been to in awhile, and the Creamery, of course. I also talked to Lindsay for an hour or so, always good to do. Today the family came over to check out the apartment (loved it!) and we went to the Morristown Fair. The whole Green was full of tents and exhibits from local/community groups (along with gov. departments - no IT representation? WTF?), including the Republicans, so my parents got to meet my boss, which was fun :) C'est Cheese and the Creamery yet again, good stuff. It was nice to see everyone.

But yes like I said, I feel pretty uninspired, not creative, or something. ::shrug:: It's a bit frustrating. Being in C4 is really great, by studying the music I'm learning a lot and getting ideas. Yet nothing seems to be striking or sticking. I feel like I have a lot of components in place, but no central idea. I feel like that with design too fairly often, I know a ton about the CS3 programs and design principles and the like, but have trouble putting it all together. The new layout is good though, I'll give myself that :)

I think I need to do more creative things on a regular basis, like reading novels (not the news!), drawing, singing (well, got that covered). I think I need some more unscheduled time.

Labels: personal

So the first one was like, there are these bees, see, and maybe they're in some alien place, i dunno, and what they do is gather honey-like globules and bring it back to their hive (though I didn't see where they were going). They were really creepy, bigger than normal bees with pincers and more legs. One of them followed me, then went to get the honey, then followed me again, like it was stalking me, until the dream ends and it stings me and i black out/wake up with a gasp. I was sweating all over. Scary as fuck.

The second one is getting a bit fuzzy. Something about there being a bunch of guys, me running away to them, blah blah. In any case, it was also disturbing but on an emotional level, as opposed to the "WTF IS THAT CRAZY SHIT" level.

This is probably because we started cleaning out Wharton last night, and I was tired and kind of emotional because of all the connotations of that apartment, and fell asleep with my clothes on, and had bad dreams about bees and bad relationship issues. Yeah.

I wake up to find that Bren has actually put away all of the kitchen stuff that we cleaned out, stuff he'd asked me to do in the morning. And I bet he didn't do it cause he thought he had to, or because he thought he should do something nice, or because he has low self-esteem and does that for an ego boost. He does nice things because he likes doing nice things for people he cares about. I love him so much.

Labels: personal

Forgive my absence. Things have been very busy! And very good, for the most part. I feel happy, and it's a nice thing.

Quick news: I got into C4! Which is the choir I've wanted to get into for years - the Composer Conductor Choral Collective. Everyone is really nice, the music is really hard, I'm incredibly intimidated. But I got into the chamber group (there's a larger group - the chamber group is like the inner circle, basically) the same day I auditioned - as a Soprano II (god help me) - so I feel really validated. Or as validated as my crazy brain will allow me to be. :)

Ok, so where have I been? First I was at the NAGW conference for an entire week. Good times. The hotel was very nice (a bit incongruous, though, why was there a "Bourbon Street" area, isn't this near Chicago, not New Orleans? hehe), the food was great, and my room had a nice big bed in it. I learned a lot of valuable information, and my role on the "Where is eGovernment Going" panel went very well, I was in my element, and it was the only session that was standing-room-only. Not bad. :) I also went to a White Sox game and saw Kevin Nealon perform. I also got trapped in a horrible rainstorm where the airport flooded and we got the last flight out to EWR. I also also got overwhelmed by the people, I often felt lonely, I needed lots of alone time in my room. But I made sure I got it. So honestly, overall, things went pretty well. I was anxious at some points, "depressed" at others, but more than anything I was just annoyed and really needing to get away. So, good times.

And oh, I got a facial and I bought nice face-cleaning things and I'm hooked now. And I got a haircut.

Where else was I? I took a lesson from a harpist on Monday - I want to write a piece for this competition, and it requires harp, and what do I know about harp. So that was fun. :) Had therapy, went to the audition/rehearsal. Today is "clean out Wharton day" (again, god help us), tomorrow is a date at Mitsuwa (YAY) and Sunday is another Giants game.

I'm busy!

And what I notice is that overall, I'm much happier, much more in love, and much more satisfied than I'd been. I'm starting to really appreciate my job now (one, because I'm doing more interesting things, and two, because of the economy. ack), I pursued a dream (and got it!) in C4, Bren and I are doing well, things are pretty good. I'm trying to take my life into my own hands, be responsible and the like, and I think it's starting to work. Granted, saying something so definitive scares me, so don't hold me to that.

Labels: personal

Leaving for Chicago this morning for the NAGW Conference. I'll be gone for a week (crazy huh?), and while I'm there I'll learn about a bunch of stuff, lead off a panel (scary), and go to a spa. I should also be going to the city itself and hopefully seeing Ashley, who I haven't seen in two years!

I had fun at the Giants game, though it was crazy as hell getting there. I took a train to the city (didn't know I could just go to Secaucus), got tickets for the bus, went back to Secaucus, took a crazy bus ride to the stadium, and met up with Dad right before the opening ceremony, which featured Strahan and the Lombardi trophy, and 80,000 screaming fans. Nice. Plus we won, which was an added bonus. A winning home game? Bullshit.

Two nights go there was a pool party at Chrissy's house (they have a pool and a Jacuzzi). We (with Wise) were the first ones there, but soon it filled up to...15 people? Something like that? It was pretty fun, Liz and I got to catch up which was nice, and I got to sit in the hot tub for awhile which felt very good. Also, Chrissy admitted she used to have a crush on Bren so cute.

Gotta bring up some psychological stuff, don't mean to in this blog but you know. So as you read, I've been doing very well. At the party though, I started to compare myself and Bren to others, as I often do, and this never has good consequences. I started comparing my successes to others', Bren's general suaveness to other guys', even like, how I looked in a bikini. This was also triggered because everyone in the universe contacted me that day and asked how I was doing, and I was doing great, so I responded that way, except whenever I have to flat out say my status, I tend to question it and sabotage myself. So in any case, I started feeling anxious again, which continued through the next day. My mind kept wandering and thinking about other people, and because of this I felt really guilty, then I felt cross and angry. Only halfway into dinner last night (it was Katie's birthday) was I starting to get over it, I got kind of small and relied on Bren to help me get through.

But it was a LOT better than last time. Tons better. And I'm not so anxious right now, more for the trip than anything else. So here I go...

Labels: personal

is something I rarely do. So I really want to do it today. :)

Seattle was a very, very nice vacation, probably our best. We did a bunch of stuff together, and some stuff apart, which was nice. We went to Pike's Place Market and explored, got yummy food (homemade cheese!), looked at the artisans' stands. We found The Chocolate Box (nom nom) and little clothing stores that Bren willingly went with me to. We also went to Pioneer Square, to the Elliot Bay Book Store (which is amazing), the Antique Gallery, and a bunch of other places, after taking a detour to Westlake Center, going on the monorail, and (accidentally) checking out the crowd at Bumbershoot. And we went to Chinatown, took a walking tour, saw the museum, and had the best noodles (and Japanese crepes YAY) ever!

On my own, I meandered a bunch. I went to Westlake Center and got some pretty bracelets, had bubble tea. I walked down to Harbor Street and checked out the boutiques (and the Dahn Yoga center) before going to the Seattle Art Museum. I ended up going back to Pike Place on my own and eating one of those caramel apples from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory - so awesome.

Then there was PAX. It was fun, but really crowded, and I was PAXed out by the middle of the second day. But Bren loves it, and I had fun. :) I got to play Little Big Planet, the new Puzzle Quest, TF2, we checked out Starcraft (I'd never played before) and Starcraft 2, AND I got to see the beginning of the death knight questline in WoW, and it's fantastically awesome. I entered a SCIV tournament and lost miserably. Bren took me to the tabletop area (nerd city) and I actually did have fun playing Carcassonne, even though I felt like the biggest nerd ever. We played a bunch at Gameworks, we both liked the basketball game and I finally got a little DDR in. There was Cheesecake Factory goodness and the best Thai place ever, Wild Ginger. oh my god.

Very good vacation. :)

In fact, on Saturday, I wasn't nervous, upset, angry, anything. I wasn't manically happy. I was just...happy. Content. Excited, and peaceful. :) It was fantastic. And when I felt that way, I was just so, so in love. :) I got more anxious after that, but I got through it, and we still had a good time at the end. We took pictures at this park in Pioneer Square, its a rock wall with a waterfall, trees, just beautiful. I tried to sit still and couldn't, but was happy to be sitting where I was.

Yesterday as well, I felt plain good. I'm getting more days like that, I think. Hope at the knitting store asked me how long we'd been together, I said almost 6 years, and THAT got me thinking. I feel proud. Maybe there's some bichert in there too. Of course, now I feel nervous about it, looking back at this year specifically, thinking of the gravity of it all. But there's really no place I'd rather be right now. A mix of excitement and anxiety. But it's optimistic! Really!

I'm trying out for C4, the choir I've wanted to be in forever, on the 18th. My tonal singing is great, but my atonal stuff has gone waaaay downhill. I practiced yesterday. It felt very good.

Maybe that's what it is. I don't know why I do music, and I don't have a good explaination for it, though I can come up with one. I just feel good when I sing it, when I see notes on paper. And with Bren too, I can come up with actual reasons, sure, but I just feel good when he holds me, and smile when I walk through the door (unless I'm having a bad day!). Maybe the best things in life are that simple.

Tonight, I'm going to the Giants game with Dad (awesome), tomorrow is a Chrissy pool party (more awesome), and Sunday I'm leaving for a week to St. Charles, Ill., for NAGW (quite awesome, though I don't want to be gone so long). And Bren started school yesterday! Exciting times.

I'll make a post about Sara Palin at some point hopefully, but suffice to say, ugh.

Labels: personal

Having my own room is awesome. I'll give it another day or two to sink in. But I can close my door, do whatever I want, and not tell anyone. And then, I can come out and give Bren a hug or see my friends - when I'm ready to.

Holy crap yes.

Got bedding last night and had fun. :) Ran to Qdoba and the old place and listened to an old radio mystery which was awesome. We were born in the wrong era. I'd write Foley and do sound effects, and Bren would voice act, and it would be awesome.

Seattle things to do.

• pack (TONIGHT)
• plan the trip (TODAY)
• pay rent (TOMORROW)
• therapy (AFTERNOON)

ahh.

Labels: personal

We went (dad and I) to the Yankee game yesterday. It didn't take long to get there, though parking was waaay too expensive, so we wandered around the Harbor a little bit, then made our way to the stadium, found our seats. got some very yummy food, and met some Orioles fans. (They were Sunday season ticket holders. Did you know that the Orioles have only won 3 games on Sunday all year?) The Yankees won, but it was a very, very long game (4 hours O_O), sloppy. I felt tired and kinda blah through the game. It got exciting at the end, so things perked up a little, but yeah, long. :P I don't entirely know if I'd call it exciting, but I suppose it was fun overall.

But the ride BACK, you see, oh, it took us forever to get onto 95, then there was construction and rubbernecking on 95, then the ENTIRE STATE OF DELAWARE was backed up (not hard to do when your state is only 10 miles across or so), then random traffic on the Turnpike for NO REASON, and between that and stopping for food etc, the 150 mile trip took
six
hours

I slept over and left and got less than 6 hours of sleep AGAIN, and got to work on time but hooooly crap. I can't describe how tired I am.



Also, I'm not keeping my "Day" journal public anymore. All I do is rant to people about my anxiety, and I'm more than anxiety. I have a private blog now, just for me, my own little secret place. If something really big is going on, believe me, I'll post it.

Labels: personal

Good news- we got the apartment. Scared, but excited. So Bren and I should be living in Franklin Manor in Morristown in about a month or so!

Bad. I keep fucking up my knitting. I'm really upset by this, as odd as that sounds. I don't know how to fix it so I just give up. And I was doing ok, but I had to redo my project again, and I messed up AGAIN, and it feels really bad. :(

Labels: personal

I walked to the consignment shop on 202 and he called me, we kept talking as I walked back to the Green, got myself a smoothie, and don't I know it, he's walking in the Green, holding a bouquet! :) I walk across the street and there he is with flowers (red and blue. Happy 4th!), Godiva chocolate mints, and a card with two lightning bugs on it. Inside, it says:

"Jamie,
I'm glad we found each other.
No words.
Just more time."

Along with an inside joke. :) Best card ever.

I'm all blushy and giddy now. :) I found it hard to just be in the moment. I found myself worrying things like, "Do you really want to be here! Where do you see yourself in the future! You're embarassed!" But he held my hand and looked into my eyes. I love his face and his cute smile. And he gets me. He really gets me.

I'm glad we found each other too. As hard as life may be, I don't want anyone else by my side.

Labels: personal

I don't seem to trust my feelings - my likes and dislikes. Because of that, I'm afraid to try new things, or not to try things. Once I start doubting something - "Do I really like writing music?", for example - I tend to push it away. "Do I really like Bren?" And then I get scared. Now, this didn't happen when I was younger. I knew what/who I liked, what I liked to do. If I didn't feel like being around someone, or doing something, it was a pretty normal thing, and I didn't analyze it too much. Now, I don't trust myself. Now, I feel like, if I don't feel like working on music, that's because I don't like writing music. Etc etc. I'm not sure how I lost my self-confidence, but I want to get it back.

Labels: personal

It was fun. I'd gone to check out a two-bedroom in Morristown (I'd built it up - when I visited, I didn't like it so much), and Mrs. Fay gave me a ride back to the house. I hung out with Bren while he did a Scholo run, we joked and had a lot of fun, with hugs! Bren's mom made us dinner which was very nice. We just spent some quality time together. He gave me a ride to the train station, and shadowed me home (little did I know) to make sure I got back ok (I'm sleepy). I'm happy right now. And knowingly anxious about that. But it's a wonderful start. :)

Labels: personal

It is quiet and still. The TVs are off, the only sounds are the appliances and their 40hZ hums. I can't connect to the internet, and my TV is down. It is somehow very peaceful, soothing. I can't get in touch with anyone, watch anything, or be distracted. It is me, all alone in this apartment.

At the DBSA meeting tonight, I noticed something about several of the peers - their faces were covered with what looked like scars, or pock marks. If you'd ever wondered about my face, why it looks so scarred, it isn't a skin condition, but the result of a nervous/anxious tic. I pick my face, the pimples. It's pretty disgusting, I know, and it's left my face scarred, not too terribly, but noticeably. I remember when Bren realized it was a result of my actions, and not a skin condition, and he seemed rather disturbed, sad, both probably. I saw these people, and saw myself in their faces. They have the same problems that I do. Their faces show the same scars.

I didn't admit it before. I wrote about it on this blog, yes, I went to therapy and even the hospital (long story), I've argued and pleaded and cried to myself and to Bren, and to friends, I've tried to deny it, fight it, contain it. But I can't deny it any longer.

I have depression. I have GAD. I may always have them. I think I am prone to being an anxious or depressed person, I believe I've had symptoms for many years, only coming to a head in 2008. And I have to face it. It is a part of me. Not a part I particularly like, but a part nonetheless. It's a condition, like other conditions, like Mom's fibromyalgia. It is an illness. And it is not my fault. I couldn't have stopped it from coming out, because it was there. It IS there. And it's not evil, it's not scary, it just is.

What I need to do is deal with it. Not hide it, fight it, yell at it, ignore it, but DEAL with it. Deal with the anxieties I feel each morning, deal with the depression that comes afterwards. I need to do the things that make me happy, even if they are trite or confusing. Today when I got home I played Wii Fit, put away laundry, did dishes, made dinner. I felt good doing that. I talked to Maria, which also felt good. Then I went to the meeting, which was enlightening.

I vow to exercise more, make to-do lists (in writing, not on a computer), read, talk to people, visit people, and do whatever I need to do to get healthy. But I can't run away from these feelings. I can't lie. If I can't deal with a situation and need to flee, then I have to flee. If I want to try, I have to try as hard as I can. If I'm scared, I have to admit it, and not feign strength. I have to be who I am. I am a strong, beautiful young girl, with many talents, who is empathetic and caring, who loves her friends and family, a composer, web designer, a girl with depression and anxiety.

I asked for advice about how to accept this. It's taken people a long time. It's taken some people years. Being around others like me helps see that I am a good person, this is a sickness, it's not my fault. One person said to mourn the "former self", and I'm not sure what to do about that one. My former self, it sounds so frightening. But I can say that previously, I was unaware of my problems, I didn't accept them, and hence couldn't deal with them. My future self will be able to do that, will live a healthy, happy, productive life, because she was able to accept both her limitations and strengths.

I don't know what this will mean for the relationships I have. Hopefully, I will become more open about my feelings, without bottling them up inside like I tend to do. I want to express to you if I'm sad, bored, lonely, confused, any of that. I might need advice, but usually, I might just need a good friend to talk to, to sympathize with. It means that I will take time for myself, and not feel guilty about it. It should mean that when I see you, I will do so with joy. It also means that I need to re-learn how to be in a truly open relationship, how to empathize and have compassion while dealing with my own issues. How to care about myself amidst others, especially loved ones - how to balance the two. It will be difficult.

I accept that I can't know the future. Sometimes, I barely know the present - the things I want, what my dreams are. Things get muddled for me. What I do know is that I'm not a bad person, that I have friends and loved ones that I care deeply for, and that all I really want is to be happy and fulfilled in my life. I'm scared that I will fuck it up. But I will learn how to deal with that.

9:55p. june 17.

Addendum
This morning I thought, damnit. I miss Bren. I miss him being here. I want him back. But I'm scared, so scared. I get anxious just looking at him most of the time, because this fear is enormous, tantamount. But I'll admit the fear. Maybe that's the start.

Labels: personal

Among all the turmoil of this year, there's one thing I always know, all the time. I love my Dad so much. We spent some time together this weekend and it was so good to just talk to Dad, watch sports with him, all that stuff. I don't think there's anyone I love more than my Dad. So Happy Father's Day, and I hope you like the card with the three ties that I got for you :)

Labels: personal

I hate guilt. I am sick of feeling guilt. On Tuesday, I went to the DBSA support group, and all these issues came up, mainly guilt. That combined with the scary-as-fuck lightning storm made Tuesday night not very fun. On Wednesday I felt more resolute, and made decisions that I felt proud of myself for. Then the doubts, the anxiety, the thoughts of self-sabotage. I wrote them out yesterday as a story, each thought getting its own story. It helped to see what my fears are. Now I feel gulity about having them at all, about feeling this way. This is going to take awhile.

I seem to be afraid of three basic things. Either: getting into something and then sabotaging myself; getting into something and then finding something "better" or more "real", I drop what I'd been doing; or I don't get into said somethings, and end up feeling miserable, floating around. I guess there are only two fears then:

• not being able to trust myself/commit to something, and breaking said commitment (which leads to either misery or happiness, but the cycle could continue later on)
• not trying at all, and being miserable as a result/not holding on to my dreams

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. If I do commit to something, and vow to push through even if it gets tough, I don't trust myself to continue on. I can imagine myself getting married and then blowing it all on some guy I don't even like, or going to school, getting frazzled, and giving up. But then if I don't try to follow these dreams, the ones I laid out in the previous post, then I simply won't do anything, I won't act, I'll float around and life will be empty. It's destruction or emptiness.

It sounds really emo when I put it that way.

I seem to dream of this magic moment when I don't have these feelings anymore. It's not going to happen. It's about doing what's right and good despite that, I think.

Labels: personal

It's been a pretty crazy weekend!

Friday
I picked up Aud from the train station, we went to Thai Nam Phet (her first Thai food), came back. Pablo came over with a surprise - he found a turtle outside of work! They went to Shop Rite to get some turtle pellets. In the meantime, Bren and Went came over. Pablo and Aud came back, and there was much Karting to be had. Brian came over by the time we started playing Smash. Very fun. :)

Saturday
Long, crazy day. Went with Aud to NYC, where we met Tony at his suite in the Hotel Pennsylvania (looked like an apartment). We walked over to Herald Square in search for some real NYC pizza (poor Tony, he lives in AZ now) and talked baseball. Aud and Tony headed off for the Yankee game, and I walked over to Rockefeller Plaza, where I got mochi and tried out Wii Fit at the Nintendo World Store (and got Bren a plushie Snorlax, it's SO CUTE). After wandering a bit, I headed over for the IFC in the Village, meandered until the movie Jihad for Love (about homosexuality and Islam - really interesting) started. After this, I went to Ivy's place, and the two of us went to the New York Composer's Circle concert. THEN we headed off for St. Marks to the "Bourgeois Pig", this awesome bar/fondue place, where we met Ivy's friends and had cheese and chocolate fondue. Andddd sleep.

Sunday
We met Dad at Penn Station and headed off for the Bronx. Our usual lunch at McDonald's, then Dad took pics of the new Yankee Stadium. Then off to the bleachers for the game! Dad was so happy, he'd never sat in the bleachers before :) It was very hot and tiring, but we won, and had a whole lot of fun. And finally, back to Penn, and back to NJ. After a welcome shower, I went to see Indy 4 with the Lair, which was of course a lot of fun!

More after I get to work

Labels: personal

Three links today:

• "America's Medicated Army" - very important, about the growing use of SSRIs to treat depression and PTSD in the army, and the mixed feelings it brings up. It destigmatizes the disorders, but medicine is never enough, and often hurts more than it helps.
  
• McCain's new campaign ad - OMG. Don't speak romantically about war - except when I do it in a campaign ad! Ugh.
• French court marriage ruling - very interesting. He wants to annul the marriage because she said she was a virgin, but wasn't. French court rules that it's tantamount to breaking a contract, since her virginity was a key part of the "deal", and it could have been anything she lied about, it just happened to be her virginity. The beginning of a slippery slope?

I'm doing pretty well. Seeing Bren last night was good, especially when I started settling down. We watched the latest Kino mini-movie and played Kart and talked, and it was really quite nice. :) This weekend will be rather busy, got Aud and Pablo (and Bren, and whoever) coming over tonight, city tomorrow for brunch, a movie, and a concert with Ivy and Teri, and then the Yankee game on Sunday with Ivy and Dad, and THEN (I think) a Lair showing of Indy 4. Good times!

Labels: personal

I went to the South Street Creamery, and being healthier today I eyed the gelato. I said I only wanted a tiny bit, so the girl gave me maybe half a scoop and didn't charge me. Isn't that nice!

I won an ebay auction with about 5 seconds to go to get 3 bleacher seats for the game this Sunday. I can't remember the last time Ivy, Dad and I went to a game. :)

I'm feeling bouncy. Bren typed "Yaaaaaaay" which was cute.

Labels: personal

I got a new journal the other day, thanks Paperchase! I think it will be important to my recovery. The cover/back cover of the journal are just a very simple brown cardboard, but the inside is very colorful. There are 10 groups of pages of 10 colors - orange, pink, light green, red, white, kelly green, sky blue, black, pale yellow, cerulean blue. I've only written in it three times, but so far I've learned from it.

Each color is going to represent some sort of emotional state, I decided. Orange is fear because orange is a very strong, but transitory, color. It's between red and yellow, or between extreme emotions and calm. It doesn't quite know what it wants to be. To me, fear is like that. You are stuck between two things, maybe more, and you can't really act without what ifs. That's what anxiety really is, the what ifs pulling you into this "orange" area. Not gray. Not vivid enough.

Pink is love. Not red. Red is far too emotional a color. Love isn't nearly as emotional as I make it out to be. Love is a choice. You have loving feelings. They are strong, but calm. So a light pink seems to do it. And love is also for a friend, a boyfriend, a parent, whoever. It's just love. Even if it's intrusive ramblings about it.

White is happiness. Happiness is calm, control, and endless possibility. White is a clean slate, it can become any color. Anything goes with white. Anything can happen on a blank sheet of white paper. White is clean, calming. Happiness to me is the ability to be calm, to be able to see the possibilities in things, to be in control and not regret anything you are doing.

I'm not sure what the other colors will be. I know that one of the greens will be guilt/shame, not sure which one yet. One of the blues will be depression. Black would be for REALLY bad thoughts, and I'm not planning on writing in that section at all.

Labels: personal

My photos, not too many, of the wedding.

So beautiful...the church was beautiful, the reception hall was beautiful, and Joe and Carolyn were just so, so beautiful. They seem like one unit, their happiness was evident before and after their vows. They're just two kids who love each other dearly, and are happiest when they are near one another. I was a little worried, I thought they were too young, but I can see that they aren't. They understand love and will live it for the rest of their days.

The wedding went off without a hitch, which includes the composition I write, Liz and I sung, for them, which they called "Without Love". The performance apparently went really well, lots of people came up to me and complimented not only the singing but the writing, and I feel a desire to try to write again. Just need an idea, and hopefully one that isn't simply self-expression. I feel honored to have performed at their wedding. The tradition of the thing, especially, lent it such an air of sacrament. Good for my first wedding, I think. I was amazed at how they smiled at each other before and after the vows - they were the same people, now they happen to be married. It is a beautiful thought.

I felt pangs of jealousy though, wishing I could be like Joe and Carolyn, wishing I could find love and embrace it in that way. Throughout a good chunk of the reception I felt an odd combination of self-pity and apathy. It took a slow dancing song set to get me up on the dance floor with Bren. It was my first time in..8 years? More like 10? slow dancing with someone I loved. And it was very, very nice, it was fun and I looked in his eyes. I resolved then to enjoy my time with him there, and I did, and the wedding became fun in the end. I'm so glad we went. I learned, at least, that I should write and sing more, that I can look damn sexy ;), and that Bren and I can at least enjoy each other's company, even when I'm going through all this crap.

Wise seems to have had a breakthrough this week - his depression has lifted, he has an interview on Monday, he feels pro-active, it's incredible! I'm jealous but I was very happy to see him last night. Bren had fallen asleep waiting for us to get back from Hibernia. We played some Kart and I was falling asleep on the couch. It was comforting to have them there.

This morning I decided to go see Sex and the City (loved it!) on my own, hope noone minds. I thought it was fantastic, made me think. I wanted to go over to Bren's immediately but knew better, I need to learn to be rational, so I went to Panera. My heart keeps racing, and I'm having trouble concentrating on anything. I'm not too sure what to do with myself.

Labels: personal

The life I imagined was pretty nice. By this time, about to turn 24, I thought, I'd be in some sort of music-related graduate school, I'd be working on music rather constantly. I would probably be living at said school, but maybe in some sort of city. Bren and I would be engaged, and generally I would be quite happy. And what happened - I'm in web design, for the government, still in Wharton, haven't touched music in months, can't be in a relationship, let alone engaged. I'm just floating here. My goals and dreams were pretty vast before, and now I feel like my goal is to get through the day happily, do the things I set out to do, and not feel to bad about it. I'm sure that's fine for the vast majority of people, but me, always with a project to do, always pining away at something? That's it?

The bachelorette party was fun last night, indeed. It was a Brett 4 reunion, basically - Ash, Kate, Emma, Mel, Carolyn, Liz and I, along with high school friends Sandy and Candy (hehe) and Andrea, of course. We met at Kate's (cute house in Manasquan) and talked for awhile, then put on our "Carolyn's Bachelorette Party 08" t-shirts. Once everyone arrived, it was off to Point Pleasant! We ate at Little Mac's (classic), went on a bunch of rides at Jenkinson's, and got Kohr's soft-serve, ending it with a walk on the (cold) beach. It was really good to see everyone, and where they were in life. At first I felt quite jealous of most of the people there, I felt alone, angry, but talking a bit to Ash and Kate helped alot. As did the bumper cars. :P I gave Carolyn some tips on living with a boy, and wished her the best of luck. I'm really quite excited for her.

Looking at everyone, it seems like the difference between the confident and the insecure, I mean you can see how their lives are different. I see Carolyn, a sweet, confident person who generally knows what she wants, and if she doesn't, she smiles and finds her way. Liz, well, I won't entirely say she's confident, but she's got enough bravado to make up for it ;^^ It just seems like some of us are in jobs/schools/relationships that are really, well, progress in their lives. I almost think of it like leveling up, as ridiculous as that sounds. I see Andrea, who's confused like me, in a job because she's not too sure what else to do, not wanting to get tied to it but wanting to move up in life. We might move in together in the fall, how bizarre would that be? She's a sweet girl.

I don't know what life I imagine right now. I can see myself marrying Bren, having adorable little kids. What else would I do? Be a globe-trotter? Who knows? But even thinking about a future, any future, makes me too nervous to think logically. Whether it's thinking about my career in a year, or my relationship in a month, I can't seem to think ahead without this anxiety gripping me. Maybe that's what it's been about all along. It's not even being afraid to be tied down. It's simply choosing a path and sticking to it, the act of choosing, because I stick to things quite well. I'm just pissed. Yankees today should help.

Labels: personal

So a couple of days ago, Aud and I were talking about future things. It started out rather simply, we were thinking about moving in together (not happening - she wants to live closer to the city than I do), and randomly going on about traveling together, that sort of thing. Then she starts talking more seriously about grad school, JET, maybe the Peace Corps, that sort of thing. And I start freaking out. I'm getting incredibly anxious about it. I realize, wait, I can do anything I want now, nothing is holding me back. And that's a good thing to know - in reality, I can always do anything I want - but I felt just plain terrified. All day I felt anxious, "What am I doing in my future? What should I do?" So when I get home I make the layout, because I found that quote and it didn't scare me, it feels to true. And then I was alone, confused, and feeling pretty depressed. Watched anime, went to bed.

Yesterday, Bren and I talk about getting back together for real. There was a misunderstanding there. I thought he needed a few days to think about it, he thought I did. In any case, yes, I wanted to be with him, because of the quote, because of Washington, because I care more for him than anyone else, I honestly do want to marry the guy, I could see us having kids even! But, I said, I need it to be different. I need to be my own person, do my own shit, not get absorbed into this relationship like this. Just like the quote, two solitudes. He very much agreed, and there we go.

But I was struck (still am) with that same kind of paralyzing fear of two days ago. We're together? It's different than before. There aren't any thoughts of, oh, I want to be with a girl, I want to meet someone else, I want to travel, I want to blah blah blah. No, I don't want any of that, at least not in the long term. I want Bren. But I am so scared. It's plain old-fashioned fear. And coming up with the reasons why I'm so scared - don't want things to be like before, want to be my own person (and make sure I stay that way), deciding things - doesn't make the fear go away. I'm supposed to deal with this on my own, so I'm blogging here instead of bugging everyone about it. I just...I feel like a wreck about this stuff, the past couple of days. I feel really scared and confused, and I honestly don't know what to do. And the messed up part is, I do feel better. This is better. God.

Labels: personal

I made a new layout for the blog (if you're in Facebook, that's right here), called "Two Solitudes". The full quote:

• "Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

Labels: personal

I acted for myself yesterday. It honestly felt good.

I woke up early (again) in the morning, watched the awesome episode of House that I taped. I felt a great deal of love for Bren, and worry, and just wanted to see him, and without asking anyone, I left for his house. We hugged, cried, talked. I'm not ready to be back with him, I can see that out. There's still way too much fear and confusion in my mind about it. I do know that I love him very much, and that he loves me. That will be enough for now. I was happy to see him. I went to therapy (late).

Went to work, talked to people a bunch, including Aud and Pablo and Bren. Looked up interesting things, and enjoyed that. I felt nervous about going to the GSE event last night, but at the end of the day I said fuck it, I want to go. So I went to the library and exchanged books - the huge graphic design book for "Dreams of Trespass", which I'm really enjoying. I went to the Green and watched a puppy play in the fountain, kids running around, and read my book, which was interesting. Around 6, I packed up and headed for the shul in Summit where the event was to be held.

Garden State Equality is a fantastic LGBT rights organization. The fight now is for marriage equality - civil unions haven't done what they were intended to do, and GSE is very close to getting enough votes in the Assembly to get actual marriage equality passed. Good stuff. So this meeting was a talk, a short video, and actual grassroots activism - I wrote a letter to an Assemblyman, which was pretty cool.

I'll be honest, I was also going to the event to meet other LGBT people, hopefully people my age, to see how I felt. Maybe to pick someone up? I'm embarrassed about that, but there we go. What I found though, was entirely different. People with families, family, a few lesbian couples, I met one woman from RU who'd been with her partner for 13 years, has three kids. Another couple who was fighting for health insurance for the partner, etc etc. Everyone was so...normal. I really glamorized same-sex relationships, I can see that. These people just loved each other and wanted the same rights as straight people do. And I saw one couple who brought their kids and actually thought, I don't think I want that. Someone asked, "Are there any straight people here?" and deep down, I wanted to raise my hand. But I didn't.

It gave me so much to think about. People are just people. I make people into something more - paragons of whatever, integrity or sexuality or who knows what. I fantasize and seem to forget what people actually are. But in the end, it's just about who you care about, who you love, your friends, etc. Who makes you happy. I felt really...straight. I'm very curious about women, but maybe it's less of a big deal than I thought. Which is confusing.

Still, I felt very glad that I went. I drove home to the Yankee game, got back and sat myself on the couch, watched Hell's Kitchen (love that show), got myself comfy and read more of my book. For the first night in a long time, I fell asleep in silence, without the need for a TV show or game to distract me.

I feel good about myself today, confused, but good. I think this break is a blessing in disguise. What I want to learn more than anything is how to love again, how to love people for people, and how to love myself again. And to do that, I must accept my feelings, see those I love, and learn honesty. Maybe that's what I've been missing all along.

Labels: personal

I feel fuzzy. I felt so much yesterday, indeed, and talking to Bren this morning. And as the day goes on I grow more doubtful, confused, annoyed, scared...how do I feel? How do I know what I feel? Etc. Same as before. And now I come home and it's empty again, the second day. And I want him to come home too. If he's gone, here, talking to me or not, cold or warm, he's always in my mind. Pablo and Aud are coming over, so that should be fun. Maybe I just need to learn to be alone. Maybe I just need to learn to trust my feelings some more. Trust your strongest feelings, trust your happiest times. Wouldn't that be wonderful.

Labels: personal

I get back to the apartment and I see that some of Bren's stuff isn't there. I felt a panic, he's gone? He's really gone? We were supposed to see a movie so I called to let him know that I was back, and he sounded so cold, so distant. My heart just sunk. He's gone. I felt like my heart just was cut in two, some imaginary string between us broken, it really felt that melodramatic, that sad. I felt so lonely, but more than anything, I just missed him. I had friends all weekend, I had fun, but at the end of the day I was alone. He wasn't there.

He calls back and sounds more like himself again, and I just can't stop myself from crying, saying I miss him. He misses me too. I'm happy. He comes over and we just talk, and I'm so happy, he's back, he's back! He still loves me! And we were both very happy to see how deep my feelings went for him, how when it came down to it, I wasn't apathetic, relieved, or angry. I was deeply, deeply sad, and aching for him. We both wanted to just end the break right there, but I still felt anxious, and still do. So it continues on. The tension though, aiyaaa, also good to know I can feel that way towards him too.

This morning I feel a bit of the, "Did I really feel the way I felt" anxiety. Was I just lonely? Was it just the shock? I need to see, I can take this week and get used to the apartment being all quiet like this. Then I see him again and see. But damn, last night I thought, all this stuff about flings with other people, with girls, with having my own place and doing all this shit - none of it matters, none of it at all, if you have noone to share it with, noone you truly care about, and I have that, I do, and it'll just take some time I think. To feel what I felt yesterday, I hadn't been that happy in months...

Labels: personal

I went to Lindsay's after work yesterday and slept over. Dana and Aud came over at some point and we went to Escondidos, the mall, etc. It was a very good time, I got to talk alot with Lindsay and just relax a bit, have fun, do a lot of joking around, and hugging puppies. The best thing we did though was to watch a ton of original Sailor Moon (Classic and R).

I absolutely forgot how plain good Sailor Moon is. The animation isn't top-notch, but it just has such a heart to it, and the characters are well-developed, you really care about these people, and their interactions certainly trump any silly filler plot (and most of the filler eps are pretty fantastic anyway). Mamoru is so damn heart-felt towards Usagi, a fact often lost in the dub. The music is great, the henshin, etcetc. I'm glad to be able to look back at the show without nostalgia and just see it for what it is - rather flawed, but fantastic, I would show it to my kid.

Sailor Moon directly changed my life, for those of you who hadn't known that. Watching it as a kid, I formed stronger friendships with others (my friends and I formed a "Sailor Moon Club" in 5th grade, was it? I was Mercury, of course). It was an escape, something I always looked forward to watching. Liking the music piqued my own interest in music. When we got dial-up, Mom looked up the show online, and I was exposed to Japan for the first time, as well as web design - all my first sites were shrines to the show. I started teaching myself web design, Japanese, and I wrote more music, and sung more. It also exposed me to different kinds of relationships - fraternal, sisterly, and romantic, especially between the same sex. The relationship of Haruka and Michiru always got to me. It was so vital to my development, and where I am now.

Maybe this week when I'm alone, I'll take some time and rewatch more Sailor Moon, to try to remember what I saw it in, where I came from. I'm so anxious now, I'm antsy, exhausted, I keep waking up at 4 in the morning, and sometimes I just want to give up on this whole break thing, give in to my random feelings, and then I see Mamoru and Usagi finally get back together and it's the most genuine thing, and I remember Bren, and want to call him. It's confusing as hell. Maybe a good nights' sleep would help. Hope I get one.

Labels: personal

Before anyone panicks about my away messages as of late, I'm all right. It's been a crazy emotional ride, that's for sure.

Bren and I agreed that we should take a break for now. A break meaning that I get the apartment (he's at home), we see each other but not all the time, and we try to keep the romance to a minimum. We are still together, and aren't looking for other people, but I'm being given the space I need. I realize that everyone from Mom to Bren himself suggested this months ago, but I haven't had the courage or clarity to accept this until now. Maybe I could have spared myself months of grief, but there we go. I don't know what will happen to us - I love him so much, I feel that so much now - but I'm willing to accept anything at this point. The important thing now is for me to get better at my own pace, and I need to be alone to do that.

But now I can feel his absence, I woke up at 4 (it's 4:15 now) and I couldn't call him, go to him for comfort. I can't get him to play a game while I fall asleep on the couch. I feel empty, confused. I really did grow so depedent on him for emotional support, like he became my backbone. So tonight, even though he's still with me, I feel like something's been ripped out of me, or something. I think that's the point -

I felt like an adult last night for the first time. This was a real adult decision, not staying with him or breaking up out of pure fear, as had been happening, but doing something that I know I needed to do, despite how hard it is now. I'm proud of the two of us. But holy crap, it really sucks right now. I'm probably not going to fall asleep.

So I have a lot of issues to work out for myself, many involve Bren in some way but not all, and I see that by depending on him so much and him being around, I asked him how I should feel, what I should do, and I honestly didn't trust my own thoughts anymore. So here we go. I'm probably going to be bugging friends alot, so be forewarned ;^^ But that's part of the point, learning to depend on a myriad of people, learning to really open up to my friends, as well as learning how to be alone. Re-learning what love is about, and how to separate anxiety and sadness from my true emotions.

I really want to thank everyone who talked to me, and who talked to Bren, cause you all really helped us out, and everyone is so understanding, and I only wish that I didn't get this bad but it would have happened regardless, because I've had these issues for a long time, and I'm sure you all know it. I'll be blogging more, blogging has always been a security blanket for me, and now I don't feel like stopping typing, but I don't even know what to say anymore.

Labels: personal

Friday night went to a great Vienna Teng concert with Lindsay and Tara. Had a relatively quiet weekend, but had fun doing it. Went to the driving range with Bren on a surprise date night, learned how to golf a bit!, was anxious but had some fun. :) Things got worse as the week went on, felt depressed, but started to accept the feelings and felt better. Last night had fun playing Kart/GTA4, relaxing, attempting to get to bed early, only to arise with anxious thoughts. Bren was cute this morning and I kissed his forehead.

It feels like a spiral or a whirlpool, one of those. Thoughts swirl around me, and they change every so often. For a couple of days I thought I wasn't even bi, girls are icky!, and thought about a variety of hot guys (fun fun). Then for the past few days, I can't stop thinking about girls, and wonder if I should even be with a guy, and imagine finding myself with a woman, somehow. Such a shift. Wondering constantly. It gets confusing. Seeing how my feelings change every other day or so, it's hard to know what I really think, what I would actually want to do. At any given moment, what's running through my head feels right. It's only in retrospect that I am able to say, wait, a week ago you thought the complete opposite thing.

At the end of the day, I come home to Bren, and the thoughts might get louder, and yet every morning I see him asleep, I tuck him in and he nestles himself in the covers, I kiss his forehead or just look at him, and I smile, taking care of him in this small way that I can. I look at old photos and smile.

I don't know what will happen at the end of all this, I honestly don't. Sometimes I can picture the future, and sometimes it's really cloudy and confused. I think at this point, I'm ready to face whatever happens. I'm accepting these feelings, and whatever I end up doing I do. I need to be nice to myself, and give myself some time. I might be going to a grad school open house next weekend, that's something. Tinkering with a layout for this blog. There's so much wondering about the future.

Labels: personal

"The View From My Window."

The sky seems tinted green
from the rainfall and the spring
The birds flee to find shelter
I, too, am in my home.
Curled in a blanket on the couch
A controller in hand
Eyes open, but shut
The world passing by.

Each day, the world turns,
the sun rises and sets,
each person lives a life unknown to me.
My life seems to be empty,
the others full;
an optimist for all I see,
with no reflection.

I dream of traveling alone,
becoming a wanderer across foreign lands,
become one with so many, only to depart so quickly
as a rainstorm charges in, whimpers out.
Like a movie. A story. One scene ends
another begins.
Where is my director yelling Cut!
Why does the scene continue?

I think of what I've done, what I've seen,
the beautiful music and lyrics,
the parties, the talks,
the love shared,
the joy,
this.
this moment triumphs over them all.
they feel false, ill-conceived, forced,
an implanted memory, perhaps,
or the will of someone desperate,

and I see the rain has stopped
the birds return to their posts
I remain in fetal position
waiting for someone to move me
rouse me from my sleep
wake me up

Labels: personal

I'm attempting to do this online CBT "course", which could/should help me along with this whole anxiety/low-self-esteem thing. One of the exercises they mention is being nice to yourself, spending a few minutes every day to do things you want to do, or think about things you want to think about. Today, I decided to think about the ideal place where I'd want to live, without thinking about marriage, kids, jobs, any of that.

My ideal would be to live in an apartment in some sort of urban area. It could actually be a city, like New York, Seattle, or something more like Madison or Summit. Basically, somewhere where a car is largely unnecessary (though it'd be nice to have one). This would be located near some sort of park or greenery, hopefully there's some sort of lawn or green space to lie down, play, that sort of thing. (Maybe Peter Cooper/Stuy Town.) It would be in walking distance to stores, a grocery store or farmers' market would be very nice, and transportation (trains are nice!). Maybe there's a school nearby. And my job, whatever it was, would hopefully be closeby as well.

The apartment itself wouldn't be enormous, but would suit my needs well. It would have hardwood floors (kinda like my place now), lots of windows, and green appliances. The furniture would be comfortable, look natural or worn. But as many clean lines as can be mustered! In the living room, there'd be a TV, not too enormous, and it would be in a cabinet (along with any consoles) that can be shut, so that it's out of view. There'd be a bookcase with books, movies/DVDs (not too many, I'd get a Netflix account), and knick-knacks. I might not actually have a TV subscription, using my TV for games, and hooking up my laptop to the TV to watch, say, cartoons, streams from Hulu, etc. It would be a light, airy feeling.

The bedroom would have almost a Zen feel to it. The bed would be fairly close to the ground, the floor would be very clean, the comforter might even be white, warm. Or perhaps an earthy green, or a sea blue. There would be a lamp, and a smaller bookcase. If my computer needed to be in the bedroom, I would again get some sort of curio and have it in there, or I'd put my studio in a far corner, that sort of thing. There'd be some sort of fuzzy rug to meditate or read on, a back/rest pillow. Maybe some sort of running water, and paintings on the wall. My clothes would fit in the closet, and the closet doors would CLOSE, which would be nice. It would be a simple room, with nothing on the floor, very little extra.

I can't imagine the other rooms yet. If I get a studio room, then yes, that room could be all electronic and crazy and have crap everywhere. That's the creative space. A dining room, but maybe an eat-in kitchen. Both need to have windows.

The best part about this place is that it would be quiet and uncluttered. It would be very simple. Not too many electronics, and they could all be unplugged at a moment's notice to save electricity and get rid of that hum. There'd be a big windowsill where I could have an herb garden, or grow tomatoes, or something like that. Also good airflow. It would be "simple and clean", economical, but very friendly and warm, in earth tones (not too sterile or neutral), welcoming, and feel spacious.

What's really appealing about it is that it would be my space, and I would actually maintain it. Doing my own laundry each week, sweeping the floors every day or so, cooking for myself in the style that I wish. And not getting too lazy, scared, intimidated, or resistant to do it.

Now I'm thinking of course, would I want to live alone for this? It certainly sounds appealing. Could I live with someone like this? Maybe. Probably? Who knows. I'm trying to keep people out of it! :P But it's so hard to do.

In any case, I was nice to myself, there we go. That's a lovely fantasy I have, and could maybe achieve one day.

Labels: personal